A Red Harley

The Red Harley I imagined

Pregnancy turns you into a special kind of crazy.  There is crazy- and then there is me.  The special kind. 

I don't have any fun doctor stories to share this week.  I actually got a go an entire week without seeing a single doctor.  Or a blood-puller-outer. (They are called phlebotomists, right?) I didn't have to show a single ultrasound picture to anyone. (You need to read last week's post if you don't understand...) And I didn't have to pee in a cup. 

But I did have an epic meltdown.  It was so epic that Lee and I took pictures.  It was a total out of body experience- I was a HOT MESS and couldn't stop myself- I knew in my head I was turning a corner in my pregnancy- from controlled psycho to straight out, legit, psychopath.  No more leashing it in, no more hiding it, we are at a new stage in this pregnancy.  Effing Psychotic Maniac stage.  My head was saying "Becca, WTF is wrong with you? Stop it!" but my body was saying "Rage on, Psycho!" And rage on I did.

My Veggie Chips.

It started with veggie chips. I love veggie chips. They make me feel healthy AF. (Side note: using these acronyms makes me feel "hip" and "cool" and not like a mid 30's mom trying too hard. Judge me, I don't GAF.)  Anyway, back to my chips.  Today they made me want to puke.  Such a downer. All I could think about all morning was Lee bringing me to the health food store to pick up veggie chips. I love the smell.  I love to color of them.  I love that I buy them at the health store so I feel sooooo obviously healthy.  I grabbed my chips, waiting in line, paid for them, and was ready to get to the car and eat them. The things my dreams are made of... atleast today.  Imagine the let down when I got all the way back to the car and opened them up, only for them to make my stomach turn. The smell, the texture, all of it made me sick. And then my favorite soda water (which makes me feel like I'm drinking a cocktail because of the bubble water) tasted meh. Coupled with the onset queasiness from my chips, it was an immediate mood buster. Double let down.  And this started the snowball that ended in my preggo crazy being elevated to a 10.

I'm cute, I know. 

On the drive back, Lee started talking about motorcycles.  Typically I semi-tune out for this, because I don't know the difference between an exhaust and a carburetor. Do motorcycles even have that? Case in point, I have no clue.  Anyway, today I was listening.  He was telling me all about the new Harleys that are coming out, and the engines and how fast they are, etc. etc.  And then he started telling me about a new color he likes-RED.  This is a pretty typical Lee conversation.  But today, all I could think about was Lee buying a new bike and then going fast, which then made me think about him popping wheelies on his Harley (again, can you even do that?) and I was imagining all of this and then BOOM! I thought, he can NEVER have a red harley- because I cannot do life without him.  And a red harley will certainly cause him to act reckless and something will happen. No other color Harley you guys, just Red. (Totally makes sense, right?)  All of this is going through my head as Lee is talking- and I just burst out into hysterical tears.  Poor guy just looked at me and wondered what he said wrong.

This then turned into my hysterically crying over what I would do without him.  Which turned into me crying that little baby girl wouldn't meet Lee.  Which turned into me crying because I would have to work 3 jobs and would be alone. Which turned into me crying because I really wanted to eat my veggie chips.  Which reminded me how angry and frustrated I was that my soda water didn't taste right. A viscous circle of sadness and anger and let down, and I just cycled through all of this- each time with my crying getting heavier.

Hysterical Laughing Stage. 

And then, in this exact moment, my phone got a notification from google photos.  Effing google photos sent me a "memory" picture from 5 years ago and my hysterical crying turned into full body sobs because I looked cute.  And I liked my hair do.  Which then caused me to completely ruin my current hair do to make a point that I wasn't nearly as cute now as I was then.  (And even if I thought I was, ruining my hair do completely ruined that.)  Picture someone with makeup running, crying, and running their hands through their hair messing it up- all to make a point that I am no longer cute.  Psycho.

And then I started laughing.  Hysterically laughing.  And Lee started laughing. Which caused me to cry because he wasn't taking me seriously.  And in the middle of full body sobs I started laughing again. Seriously... this is life with me as a pregnant person.  And we're only half way done!  Buckle up, Lee.  This is going to get "fun".


Oh, and once I finally fixed myself up enough to leave the car and walk into the light where someone might see me, Lee said "So I guess its a no on getting that red harley, huh?"